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Dark and Twisted

19 Mar

I come to realize that I have isolated myself for the most part of my life. At first emotionally while growing up, probably because of fear of being seen weak, or probably because I simply could not open up to people because of a matter of trust. But over the years I have felt myself growing and maturing. But then I ask myself, am I really mature? Am I really grown up? If I am, how do I know it? When does one get there? Is it when you get rid of your impulsiveness and rashness? Is it when you become independent? I mean who set the rules about maturity and growing up?

In the few months that have passed I have almost literally felt myself growing out of my own skin. If I look back at last year I can see distinctly what a child I was, and I am sure in years to come I will read this and think of how childish I am being now. It’s a cycle really, you grow up, then you grow up some more, and you wonder if it will ever stop. But this time, I think it’s happening faster than I have ever wanted it to. Soon I will be expected to go back to Beirut, and I am expected to fall back into the frame I have been living in, and I don’t see myself there. I don’t see myself going out, getting drunk, and going to work hungover. I don’t see myself being the same person my family and friends have said goodbye to at the airport.

I have grown older, and I still feel like I isolate myself emotionally and detach myself from the people around me. And a conclusion I have reached lately is that probably this is the reason why I always fall in love with people who seem unavailable or unattainable. Sometimes, for like a few seconds I envy those simple religious morons who know nothing of life but to follow some rules that they believe will be their salvation. But the scary part is that when I really think about it, although it causes a lot of pain, I love how twisted and dark I feel myself sometimes. I have diagnosed myself as an emotional masochist. The more I hurt emotionally, the more I love it.

 

 

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2 Comments

Posted by on March 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “Dark and Twisted

  1. jaadb

    March 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    this a wow thing to read!
    but i have a question abt the title!! why is it Dark and Twisted? all this maturity and prosperity in the mental and personal level, what do they have to do with darkness or with dark and twisted personality?

     
    • theRibz

      March 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

      Well the answer is in the last few lines about loving the pains that come along the way… And welll I believe that IS dark and twisted!

       

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